Serial Sunday: The Three Who Loved Pizza, Part V

By

Esperanza Abolou

Rafaela Abolou

Mohammad Bhatti

Imogen Locke

Aakshaya Ninintheeban

Alice-Jane Pezet

Aruj Sharma

Edited by David Flin.

Chapter Nine

Peace and quiet, thought Miss Snodgrass. Finally, there was peace and quiet. The pizzas had arrived and the three Romans were eating them with relish. With food in their mouth, they were unable to talk. They seemed to be enjoying the pizzas.

“Mmh gah hunh mimh hunb,” said Flavius with his mouth full.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Miss Snodgrass said. “It’s unhygienic, rude, and no-one can understand what you say.”

“Uh cuh umherun whun ha en,” said Brutus with his mouth full.

“Brutus said he understood what Flavius said,” Cassius explained. He didn’t have his mouth full but he did have an empty plate. He looked meaningfully at his empty plate and sighed deeply. “I hope that they bring the vomit bucket so I can have another pizza.”

“We don’t do that here,” said Miss Snodgrass pointedly. She was thinking of the expense of more pizzas. And the smell.

“That was acceptable,” said Flavius, finishing his pizza. “Who would have thought that unleavened bread, cheese, sliced meats, olives, mushrooms, and that strange red stuff could be so tasty? What is that red stuff?”

“Red stuff? That’s tomato. You have tomatoes in Italy, don’t you?” Miss Snodgrass was puzzled, so she took out her phone so she could read about tomatoes.

“Why is your crystal ball flat?” Brutus asked. “And why do you keep tapping it?”

“That’s so she can get better reception,” Cassius explained. “You have to tap the ball to get the gremlins to behave.”

“They don’t have gremlins here,” said Flavius. “They call them Christmas elves. They’re what pull the doors open and make the stairs move.”

Miss Snodgrass tried not to listen to them. If she didn’t hear what they were saying, they couldn’t be saying anything bad. That’s what she hoped.

She found an entry about tomatoes on the Internet. When she looked it up, she found that while it was eaten like a vegetable, it was actually a fruit.

“Maybe I should put tomatoes into a fruit salad,” she muttered. She giggled at the idea, then she read on.

Tomatoes first came from western South America and were introduced into Europe by the Spanish in the 16th Century.

“So, the Romans would never have known about tomatoes,” she muttered to herself. “I didn’t know that.”

She explained to them that the red stuff was tomatoes, which originally came from South America.

“Where’s South America?” Cassius asked. “Can you take us there in your chariot without a horse?”

Miss Snodgrass tried to explain where it was, but she found this hard. “I can show you. I have a globe of the world back in the classroom. That will show you where South America is. It’s a long way away, over the sea.” She explained that the world wasn’t flat, but round, like a ball.

“Yes, we know,” said Flavius. “Pliny proved it hundreds of years ago. No-one knows how big it is, though.” [1]

“Before we go to look at this globe of yours,” said Cassius, “can we take some pizzas with us? This is hungry work.”

Chapter Ten

Mr Squire tried to fix the TT-TV. It was difficult, and he’d tried everything he could think of. He’d turned it off and back on again. He’d taken out the parts and put them back in again. He’d jiggled the different parts about. He’d hit it with a hammer.

None of this had worked. He tried hitting it with a bigger hammer, and that didn’t work either. He was out of ideas.

He did what he always did in this situation. He had a cup of tea. He thought for a moment and decided he deserved a chocolate biscuit as well.

He wasn’t sure if it was the tea or the chocolate biscuit, but he had a great idea. It was possibly the best idea he had ever had.

He would call Professor Cleva-Clogs. The Professor would be able to fix it. He probably had a special hammer to hit it. He picked up his phone and called Professor Cleva-Clogs and explained what the problem was.

Professor Cleva-Clogs was very excited and wanted to see the TT-TV. “It shouldn’t be able to do that,” he said. “This is very exciting.”

It wasn’t long before Professor Cleva-Clogs arrived at the school. Most people would come by car or by train or bus. That’s what most people would have done. Not Professor Cleva-Clogs.

He had built a giant mechanical duck, and he sat on this and walked it to the school. When he got off, he told the mechanical duck to wait by the pond in the park.

Professor Cleva-Clogs was a strange looking man. The top of his head was as bald as an egg, but the white hair on the side and back of his neck stuck out like the branches on a wild, untamed bush.

He wore three pairs of glasses. He wore one pair normally, on his nose so he could see through them; he wore another pair pushed up onto the top of his forehead; and he wore a third pair on a string loop hanging around his neck.

Mr Squire explained what was wrong with the TT-TV, and Professor Cleva-Clogs changed his glasses.

“My, that is unusual. It isn’t able to do that. I really must look. You say three children have been sent back in time and three Roman soldiers brought forward in time. I expect their parents are quite worried.”

He changed his glasses again and started fiddling about looking for things in his pockets. He pulled out keys and coins and miniature telescopes and a half-eaten sandwich and all sorts of things. Mr Squire showed him to the TT-TV.

Professor Cleva-Clogs took the back of the TT-TV off and started poking about. He poked about with a screwdriver, and then there was a flash and a shower of sparks. Professor Cleva-Clogs was flung backwards, his eyebrows singed and the ends of his hair burning slightly.

“That’s how not to do it,” he explained to Mr Squire. He tried again, and again there was a flash and the smell of burnt hair.

“I think I know what’s wrong,” he said. “The Dontuchthis is missing.”

As Mr Squire went to get the Dontuchthis, Miss Snodgrass and the three Roman soldiers arrived to look at the globe. Flavius, Brutus, and Cassius were each carrying a pile of carry-out pizzas.

“You must be the Roman soldiers,” Professor Cleva-Clogs said. “Or are you the missing children? I haven’t got my glasses on, so it’s hard to tell.” In fact, Professor Cleva-Clogs was looking through two pairs of glasses. “I should get everything sorted soon, so you’ll be all right.”

“What a strange man,” said Cassius.

“For once, Cassius, you’re right,” replied Brutus.

Mr Squire returned with the Dontuchthis and Professor Cleva-Clogs put it back in place, then stepped away with a beaming smile.

“That’s fixed it.”

“But the Romans are still here and the children aren’t,” Mr Squires said with dismay.

“Well, of course. The TT-TV only shows you the past, and that’s what it’s doing. Look.” Professor Cleva-Clogs turned it on, and they could see the three children standing in a field next to Hadrian’s Wall, holding an Eagle Standard.

“Hey!” shouted Flavius. “That’s my standard. No-one else is allowed to touch it!”

“We need the children back,” Miss Snodgrass said.

“But Mr Squire said he wanted the TT-TV fixed and the TT-TV is fixed. Perhaps the children’s parents can get used to having the Romans instead.”

“Can’t you bring them back?”

Professor Cleva-Clogs gave a big sigh. “You should have said so in the first place.” He took the Dontuchthis out, turned it around, fiddled with it a bit, took out a big screwdriver and poked around for a bit. Then there was another big flash and a strong smell of burning hair.

The Roman soldiers suddenly disappeared.

Chapter Eleven

“Ouch,” said Mary, stubbing her toe as she stumbled forward. She looked around. “Where’s the Wall?” she asked.

Nia and Geoff followed Mary; when they arrived, they looked around.

“We’re back in the school,” Nia said in delight. She dropped the Eagle Standard on Geoff’s foot and he hobbled around for a bit.

“We’re back, we’re back, we’re back,” Nia and Mary sang. Geoff kept saying “Ouch.”

“Hey, look,” said Nia, pointing at the TT-TV. On the screen they could see three Roman soldiers carrying lots of pizza boxes. The soldiers waved, one of them holding a slice of pizza in his hand. Some of the pizza topping slid off and slowly fell down.

“Goodbye, Lady Snodgrass. Don’t forget what I said about…” said Flavius.

Then the dropped pizza topping reached the ground, and the TT-TV exploded into a thousand pieces.

“That’s not supposed to happen,” said Professor Cleva-Clogs.

Mr Brooks, the TA, showed the parents of Nia, Geoff, and Mary into the room. “I told them that the children were busy on an After School project, Miss Snodgrass,” he said, “but it has been a long time and I have to leave.”

“Hello, Dad,” said Mary. “You’re never going to believe what our project was.”

*****

Nia, Geoff, and Mary laid the Eagle Standard on the desk. They were keen for Miss Snodgrass to see what they had brought for the project, the project to make something Roman.

“Miss will be so impressed,” Geoff said. The other children in the class looked enviously at the Eagle.

Giselle, Nayomini, and Kim went up to the front of the class with the model they had made. They had made a Roman shield. It was flat and the eagle they had painted on it had three heads, one of which looked like a chicken.

“Miss,” said Nia, “Roman shields didn’t have eagles on them. They have sort of lightning bolts where the metal is.”

“It’s an early Roman shield,” said Nayomini.

“No, it’s not,” said Nia.

“Yes, it is.”

“No.”

“It’s very creative,” said Miss Snodgrass. Well done. Now, George, Topay, Sarah. What have you made?”

The three children who had been named went to the front of the class and held up a white bed-sheet.

“It’s a toga,” said Topay. “You kind of wrap it around you and wear it. It’s Roman clothing.”

Miss Snodgrass shook her head. She couldn’t deny it because Brutus and Cassius had done exactly the same thing. But really, the children hadn’t done much work.

“Very interesting,” she said. “Good. Maggie, Annabel, Alex, what did you make?”

These children went up to the front carrying a long pole with a rubber arrow head on one end.

“It’s a Roman spear,” said Alex.

“That’s called a pilum,” said Nia. “They’re a lot shorter than that.”

Miss Snodgrass ground her teeth. Nia was right, but did she have to be so unkind about being right?

“It’s too long to throw,” Nia explained.

“This isn’t a spear that you throw,” said Maggie.

“It’s a very imaginative spear,” said Miss Snodgrass, getting tired. “Nia, Geoff, Mary. What have you made?”

The three children took the Eagle standard to the front, each pushing each other so that they could be the one to hold it. The other children in the class looked in wonder at the Eagle standard.

“Wow!” they all said.

“It’s an Eagle Standard of the 9th Legion,” Nia explained.

“It’s got a gold eagle on the top, which is why it’s called an Eagle Standard,” Geoff added.

“It was used like a flag in Roman battles, showing everyone where the general was and he used to give orders to everyone,” Mary finished.

“Wow!” said the other children. “Is that real gold?”

“Yes, said Mary.

“No,” said Geoff at the same time.

“It’s gold paint on metal,” Nia explained.

“It’s really very, very good,” Miss Snodgrass said. “Did you actually make this? I did ask you to make something Roman, and I don’t think you made it. We’ll put it in the school library. I’m sure we’ll find a use for it.”

****

Flavius, Brutus, and Cassius found themselves back near Hadrian’s Wall.

“It’s raining,” said Brutus, completely unsurprised by this. “It’s always raining.”

“I bet it’s not raining in South America,” Cassius said.

They put the boxes of pizzas down and covered them to protect them from the rain. Flavius looked around, trying to work out where exactly they were. In the distance, he could see a group of soldiers on patrol. He waved to them and they headed over.

“Hello Crassus,” Flavius said when the eight Romans reached them. “On patrol again?”

Crassus Africanus nodded. “All the time, it seems.” He looked at the pizza boxes. “What are these?” he asked.

“Pizza!” Brutus and Cassius said. “They’re great. Try some.”

The soldiers crowded round, suspiciously looking at the slices. No-one wanted to try them first. The food looked like nothing they had seen before.

“What is this?” Hadrusbal asked. He looked warily at it.

“Try some, Hadrusbal,” said Crassus. Hadrasbul continued to look dubiously at the slices. He picked one up and took a cautious bite.

“Hey! This is good,” he said, taking a bigger bite. “This is really good.”

The other soldiers crowded around and started to eat pizza. After a short while, they all started eating with gusto.

“This is good,” said Crassus. “What’s this red stuff?”

“That’s tomato,” said Cassius.

“It comes from South America. That’s beyond the Fortunate Islands,” [2] Flavius said.

The soldiers concentrated on eating the pizzas.

“The rest of the Legion is going to Caledonia,” Crassus said. “We’re supposed to look after the fort while they’re gone.”

“Sir,” said Cassius. “I’ve got an idea.”

Flavius sighed. “Let’s hear it.”

“Well, Sir, we could build a boat, sail to South America, find the tomatoes, and then we could make our own pizzas. I know how to make unleavened bread.”

There was a long silence. Flavius looked at Crassus. Crassus looked at Flavius. They both looked at the soldiers who were busy eating pizza.

“You know, that’s not a bad idea,” said Flavius.

“We’d only be gone a couple of weeks. We’ll be back before the rest of the Legion. They’ll never know we’ve been away,” Crassus replied.

They each took a slice of pizza, eating it slowly and savouring every mouthful. “Let’s do it,” said Flavius. “What could possibly go wrong?”

*****

That’s exactly what they did. They built a ship and set sail for South America. They had many adventures on the way – but those adventures are for another book.

The rest of the Legion went into Caledonia (which we now call Scotland), and no-one knows what happened to them. They just disappeared.

And, after meeting Flavius, Brutus, and Cassius, Miss Snodgrass became even more interested in the Romans.

As for Mary, Nia, and Geoff, well, they became firm friends after this adventure, and they – but that’s also a story for another book.

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[1] This is true. Pliny the Elder showed that the world was round in the 3rd Century BC.

[2] This what the Romans called the Canary Islands.

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The entirety of The Three Who Loved Pizza is available in book form at Amazon now.

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David Flin has written & edited a large number of alternate history books and all-ages novels, and edited Comedy Throughout the (P)Ages and How To Write Alternate History.